Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Parents and babies are not the most important people in the country....

Recently Eastenders has got into a bit of bother about a storyline involving cot death and child napping, a plot line too far it is said.  Funny that the sad but real condition of cot death and the thankfully rare baby napping are unacceptable yet peadophilic grooming, violence against women and rape are. It seems to me that discussions of things that make a certain kind of mum uncomfortable are becoming demonised. I’m not sure it is about children (no one doubts that children need good health, protection and education) but their parents. It seems that there is this push to persuade us that the small child, and notably their parent are the most sacrosanct and important members of our society. That Bonoism ‘the children are our future’ is hurled at us. The children are in fact their future, and their parents and friends future but not necessarily mine. A child or its parent is not more important than anyone else. A child is vulnerable and needs care, but so do the elderly, the disabled, the mentally ill and the teenage girl.  But that is related to extra care, a five year old is not societally more important than me. In fact we need less children, not more. Having several children is selfish and irresponsible to the nth.

As a woman, and one without children I risk being accused of a lack of awareness, I have not understood the special pressures of caring for children. True, but I do not thankfully understand the pressures of several situations, such as being the victim of homophobia or suffering from a chronic disease. More worrying would be an accusation of lacking sisterhood, but my sympathies lie with human beings as a whole and I regard motherhood as a voluntary chosen situation.  Fortunately I am in a profession which can support and nurture women with children and my colleagues mothers or not are mutually supportive. However in other professional fields I would (and have) been furious to have to work harder to support another woman’s lifestyle choice.  Additionally I do not feel that you can have a child and expect to advance as far as those that don’t in certain fields. Abilities all being equal, the childless woman or man who works longer deserves that higher professional achievement.  The sticking point is the married man who gets the babies and the job, but a mother/wife who accepts this situation has to take some responsibility for it.

At present a disproportionate amount of effort and time is expended on infants, whilst the elderly who have still got lives to live are sidelined, receive less support and worse health care. A small child who has five years to live receives more investment and attention than an elderly person who may have fifteen years left and has contributed to the country for decades. The reasons for this are a combination of ‘cuteness’, sentiment and the media savviness of the family lobby. Why are families getting child benefit? Why are tax breaks even considered when we are cutting all public services. Shouldn’t pensions be more important?  People chose to have children, an 85 year old man with arthritis chose neither to be born or to be ill.  Then there is the NHS money wasted on fertility treatment, not having children is not a disease, there are always people who haven’t procreated. Any woman so obsessed with herself as a womb has got to be a bit of a nutjob really. 

I’m sick of bloody great prams dislodging paying travelers from buses and trains.  I find the company of toddlers for more than five minutes extremely tedious, they don’t really provide much in the way of intellectual stimulation do they?  As for Mumsnet? They sound like Skynet the nasty corporation from the Terminator films and you know, they are really beginning to irritate me. Biscuitgate was bad enough (who cares what biscuit Gordon Brown likes best?) but recently organisations like this are getting on my goat.  All the whinging about how hard motherhood is, is it really? Has always seemed fairly simple to me, very stupid people manage it, people with hardly any money manage it, criminals manage it. A child may impinge on every aspect of a parent’s life but surely they knew that before they threw the contraception away?

No doubt someone will be angry with me… I do like children and was a teacher for a long period (not a job you can do if you dislike them). I’m happy to be without kids because I know I would get bored and frustrated.  Many of my friends are happy parents who do not whinge. I’m happy to support mothers in desperate straits. However parenthood is a lifestyle choice, have children when you want to, can afford to and adapt to them . Don’t expect to suddenly become a special case, get extra spending money, take up double space for free on buses or have your grade at work protected so you can have a couple of years off with the kids.  And don’t try and ring fence storylines on soap operas to fit your precious sensibilities.

This is an opinion piece, please feel welcome to add alternative or personal views but any personal vitriol will have no effect whatsoever! xx

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

As a through choice childless woman myself, I can completely understand your point,but what I really have a problem with is the "get a man get a house get married have a kid this is what you are supposed to do" mentality that some people seem to have ingrained. I have been looked on as a freak when I have declared that I do not want to have children. Why is it so abhorrent for a woman to not want kids??

garofit said...

Hear, hear!

I honestly think some people with kids try and punish everybody else for it.
It's almost as if they were wronged in some inexplicable way (by whom? God? society? life? false expectations? a flawed condom?... )and now somebody must pay for it. That somebody happens to be in most cases the poor bugger who has begged to differ by not reproducing itself.
Speaking of which, I also think in some cases the choice of parenthood comes from sheer narcissism. Which is fine by me. What is not fine though is to be branded - as a childless woman in my thirties - a selfish, superficial being who leads a meaningless life. I may very well be it, but not for the above reason. In fact, I find it selfish to have children for self validation purposes, for fear of ending up alone, or without careful consideration of what it actually means to pass on your genetic baggage onto another human being.
I’ve seen a lot of the “you’re either like us or against us” attitude among parents, especially young parents, which leads me to think they must be full of doubt and shitless scared, as lost in this world as any of us who are yet to find “the true meaning of life” and to feel “complete”. And their idea of selflessness is just a selfishness that has been extended to include their children, and therefore presumably justified?!
And don’t even get me started on people who go shopping with their prams and small children allowing them to run wild, trash the shops, scream their lungs out, and generally torture everybody around with their presence. They should be fined and banned like disorderly drunkards from a pub.

Lauren said...

I quite agree, and I say that as someone who is planning to have children in the next few years.
I don't understand the view that children are a right - they're part of many life choices. I will have to make sacrifices to care for my children but I don't think that anyone else should. Equally, I hope that someone will shoot me if I ever sign up for Mumsnet.

WDI said...

The trouble with children is they're so bloody childish.
I don't understand why anyone would want one. The grubby little shits disgust me and I'm sick of their selfish parents bringing them into pubs where I'm trying to have a quiet drink. Pubs are for adults, not snot-covered little stinkworms to run around in as if they own the bleeding place. I'd like to punch the little midgets right in their bulbous heads (it's OK, their skulls are quite bouncy).
Please can we have a 5 year moratorium on childbirth with lengthy jail sentences for persistent reproducers?

Brittany_Va-Voom Vintage said...

This is such a great post and I totally agree with all of the comments so far. I'm a stay at home mom and pregnant with baby #2 right now and it drives me CRAZY how people can take advantage of society because they have children and they think they're special. A single gal working hard to pay her bills is just as important as a mother of 5. I know several mothers who take advantage of government assistance and taxes because they think they deserve it- then they go out and buy a new car! It's disgusting.
As a mother, I have a GREAT respect for you ladies who decide to not ever have children, and of course, for you ladies who decide to wait until you're ready. I know a few people who have gone through surgery so that they will never have children. They don't like kids and they know that they would make terrible parents. I think it takes a lot of honesty and bravery to take that kind of jump, which flies in the face of society's expectations.
I see a lot of mothers use their "status" as a badge as if to say "Well, I'm a mother so I'm better than you. I have a difficult life so I deserve the best!" Of course, I also see a lot of mothers who had "baby fever" because babies are cute and cuddly and puts the new mother at the center of everyone's attention. They wanted a baby so they would have someone to love and cuddle. Of course, after the baby is born and they discover how difficult it is to be a parent, they expect everyone to help them take care of it! Both situations make my heart break for that poor child!! Weather pregnancy is planned or not, parenthood is a choice. It's a choice that no one should have to pay for except for the mother and father.

Brittany_Va-Voom Vintage said...

ahem, I agree with the first 3 comments, that is.

WDI said...

What, no punching? OK, I'll stick with trying to perfect my psychokinetic hurt-ray instead. I may be generous and wind it down to the 'mild discomfort' setting for the under tens.

Kally said...

I completely agree, especially with your point about fertility treatment on the NHS. We come under a constant barrage of hostility if we dare to put pressure on the NHS by being overweight, alcoholic, drug-addicted or smokers. People with cancer, alzheimer's or rare genetic diseases are denied access to new treatments because it proves more cost-effective to let them suffer, yet infertile narcissists are provided with thousands of pounds worth of hit-and-miss in-vitro treatment simply because they think they are entitled to have a child in their own image, rather than fostering or adopting one of the many needy and deserving children in the state care system. It is now easier and more profitable to have children than not. Tax breaks, tax credits, child benefit, state benefits - people are being rewarded for further populating an already overpopulated society.

Single people or couples without children are more likely to be the ones carrying on their work or education to a higher skill level, supporting the economy via higher taxes and a reasonable disposable income and not putting strain on the benefits system, yet they are effectively punished by the government - they are most certainly maligned anyway.

I have respect for parents who have children responsibly - in a stable relationship or able to cope alone, with enough of an income to support their offspring independently and enough sense to raise them to be responsible, intelligent and respectful.

Sadly nowadays that isn't the case most of the time, the child has become untouchable; anyone who doesn't have one is a potential paedophile and is treated with suspicion(despite most child abuse taking place within families), bad behaviour is put down to ADHD or simply ignored, and the nuclear family is touted as the ideal when the majority of families are far from it.

Kally said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kally said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brittany_Va-Voom Vintage said...

LOL! Okay, fair enough! Do you seriously see people taking their babies to pubs? I'm a mom and I know how much parenting can leave you in desperate need of a drink but I don't inflict my children upon others in need of a drink! That's what my trusty at-home stash is for.

Kally said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kally said...

Apologies for mulitple comments, my computer went strange.

I hate toddlers in pubs too, you can't go for lunch or for a drink on a Sunday afternoon without there being one in there shouting.

Straight Talking Mama! said...

Well said as ever! My husband is disabled and worked every day of his adult life up until his accident and what he receives in benefit is pitiful, yet I was gobsmacked to find in the recent budget review that EVERYONE gets child benefit, whatever their circumstances, what is that about? So my husband who gave to society, now he no longer can has to lower his - and subsequently my - standard of living but if you choose to reproduce you get money for it!! Ok this is simplified but you get my point.

Another thing that gets me is the 'mothers and children' who think if all those spaces are taken it's ok to park in a disabled spot, oh yes people they do that! I've even had arguments with these people who feel they have a justification for parking there as they have children to put in a buggie, oh ok, so the disabled person who needs to open the door wide to even get out of the car, should park in a normal spot cos you have a child to put in a buggie eh?

oh yes you've hit a sore spot with me. I think children are treated in a far too precious manner these days. sorry if some of this didn't make sense I started ranting...!!

Ms Bee said...

Whew! What a relief to discover other females who haven't been bitten by the baby bug! I truly have an allergy to such nasty inconveniences especially when I listen to my friends and colleagues exasperation at their attempts at breeding & maintaining their offspring. I often sigh the longest, smuggest sigh of relief that my little bod has never been forced into the trials and tribulations of Vesseldom. Had a few close scrapes over the years, but nothing... no-one (apart from my dearest cats) could ever come between me, my peace of mind and freedom!

Selfish bitch you say? Too damn right, I reply with pride! Though curiously I must care more about the welfare of children than those who choose to breed because I have not inflicted anything up to 100 years of suffering on anyone. Imagine what state this planet will be in in 30 to 100 years time? Such an unpleasant legacy to leave your 'loved ones'.

I certainly concur with WDI.... my sentiments entirely, especially when confronted with these ghastly creatures on public transport, in supermarkets.... and yes, worst of all in BARS & RESTAURANTS.... this practice should be outlawed immediately!

Ms Bee of Brighton, aged 54 and 3 months.

Esz said...

Oh wow thank you so much for writing this post. I agree with everything you say.

The situation is much the same in Australia. We have a thing called a Baby Bonus which entitles any individual earning less than $75K p/a, a single lump sum of $5294 PER CHILD that is born. Take into consideration that $75K is a higher than average income in this country.

Not to mention, just for having children, you get a Family Tax Benefit which is a fortnightly payment PER CHILD that is also based on your annual income. The scaling means that those well into "upper middle class" territory still get something from the government. Just to have children.

Me - I'm a 26 year old female who lives with my partner (who is a New Zealander). We get almost nothing from the government. In fact - all the benefits I get are Medicare which entitles me to lower rate health care and access to the public hospital system. My partner doesn't get Medicare because he's not an Australian resident.

And not only does the government encourage breeders, but it's so ingrained in society that Women Must Want Children. The media is tailored towards the family and whenever I mention that I don't want children I get "Oh you're still young yet".
Like my 26 year old brain is not capable of making such a decision. So when do I become capable? Or will hormones come raging along at some indetermite age and so whipe out my thought processes that I will suddenly want nothing more than a squirming slug of a baby?

It's good to find other women share my opinion. Yay to the internet!

janiece said...

A big loud 'hear, hear' from me, Red Legs!

Mim said...

I'm completely in agreement that people should understand parenthood is a lifestyle choice, and it will mean accepting changes in their current lifestyle, especially not going to all the places they used to because some don't like kids.

I do get annoyed when people compare having kids to having a disability. In most cases, they chose to have children. I have seen mums assume they should have priority over people with disabilities (eg for getting in lifts) simply because they have their children in pushchairs.

Retro Chick said...

I am a fellow selfish childless person who has managed to reach her early 30s without being overwhelmed with an urge to breed.
I also find the company of children dull and I fail completely to get all gooey over babies sleeping, yet I feel like I have to apologise for it.

I also have a major issue with how important "the family" is perceived to be and the "right" to have children. I believe in the benefits system, it should be there to catch those who have fallen for whatever reason, it shouldn't be there to catch those at the bottom who have dug themselves a hole to jump into. If you can't afford to house and feed yourself then why would you voluntarily chose to add an extra mouth to your household, and why would the state funded NHS help you to do it? It bemuses me!

When my friends started having children I was utterly horrified to find that those earning several thousand a year more than me were automatically given a "health in pregnancy" benefit to spend on fruit and vegetables half way through their pregnancy. How ridiculous! Then we get onto free prescriptions (but I have to pay for my asthma inhaler)and free dental treatment.

Don't get me started on "baby and child" spaces, children in pubs and restaurants, or children that scream on public transport, I may never stop!

Helen Highwater said...

I always find it rather disgusting how if a parent dies or has an accident, it's "Father of 3 injured in crash." It's as though plain ol' boring "Man, father of no-one" would be quite insignificant. His life wouldn't matter, because he uses contraceptives.

I might sound like an arsehole, but there are times when I've refused to move out of the buggy bay - this is when I've been transporting a heavy load on a trolley. I ain't moving! In the past, people used to FOLD UP their pushchairs, and now everyone has to dive for cover. It wouldn't be so bad if the buggies were actually a sensible size, but their precious little miracles (ie. biological process) require the buggy equivalents of SUVs which take up half the bus.

The recent apoplexies of people earning twice as much as I do because their child benefit would be taken away REALLY pissed me off. Please explain how someone earning £44k needs any benefits at all?

Also - people on Facebook posting about their children's bowel movements. Why, just why, do they think anyone else wants to know? I could go on at length about my cats' rectal productions, but it's gross and no one wants to know!

As it is, part of me would like to have children, but another part of me doesn't. I can't begin to get my head round how it would change my life. I love spending hours faffing about on my own, writing, stuff like that. I cannot imagine how I would fit a child into that. And I have no idea how I'd child-proof my home. Or how I'd fit my job around a child. I just don't think I would want to lose my standard of living and quality of life. Then again, maybe having a child would change me and I'd stop wanting to do stuff for myself? I have no idea. I actually don't have enough room for a child in my house anyway. We've got two bedrooms - we sleep in one and the other is full of 1. my shop, 2. our possessions - our books, our records, our random nicknacks, several musical instruments. I am also not down with losing loads of sleep. Sod that.

My mum wants me to have children, but I don't see her moving closer to where I live to help out! Plus I have various inherited things which I would feel really guilty about passing onto another human being.

Helen Highwater said...

Besides which, giving birth looks horrible and painful and I'm not down with that at all.

Polly Garter said...

Well said! What also really gets me is that working breeding females try get first dibs at the holidays, as they think it's their "right" to demand Half Terms and then the few weeks of summer that we actually get because "my darling needs me at home". I booked a week off in late February to go to Italy, and the UPROAR when the breeders realised that someone had the temerity to book "half term" that they presumed to think was their God given right, my holiday was already booked and paid for in full so my boss told them where to go. and that holidays were open to all and that NO ONE had any priority over anyone else. As a result of this they even tried to get the union involved (with no result).

I like kids...it gives you an excuse to go to the park and the zoo and act like a child for an afternoon. But I have never wanted the whole baby thing. Call me selfish if you will...I won't disagree. But to have others children disrupting what should be "adult" time and space is wrong. And when did people stop disciplining their children (and i don't mean Dickensian discipline) but more than a half hearted "don't do that Chardonnay" when the wretch is climbing up a chair/table/bookcase etc etc. Stop the child and tell it not to do it again, or remove it from the vicinity if it carries on...nnngggg...

I'll stop now, the vein in my forehead is thumping!!!!

kcm said...

Whoa! Wow! Dare a mere male add agreement with all of this? During my working life I've been appalled at the increasing rights given to parents but not to other employees. We decided a few years after we married (30+ years ago) that we were not going to have children - because neither of us was sure we wanted children: if in doubt, don't! Besides sprogs are horrendously un-green. Just think nappies! - and it doesn't matter where you use washable nappies or disposable, they alone are hugely damaging to the environment.

I don't dislike children, but I admit I'm not good with them largely because I'm not used to them. But I know I would have struggled with copious amounts of puke and poo. (For the same reason I couldn't work in the emergency services or medicine.) Children only become interesting when they start becoming intelligent and sentient, say at about the age of four.

Being childless we've both followed our careers, worked hard and paid lots of tax. But I resent having to pick up the work of those on maternity, or especially paternity, leave (usually in addition to what I'm already doing) and to paying to support unthinking and uncaring parents. I agree that if you want children (as many will, and I admire them for making a positive choice) that is a personal choice for which you should accept the consequences. Sprogging by default is not excusable in these days of easy contraception.

I also agree with Kally about infertility treatment - it should be banned. It isn't just that it is a huge cost (whoever pays). But if a couple are unable to have children naturally, usually Nature has a good reason: something is wrong somewhere. Shouldn't we be thinking harder about what Nature is trying to tell us? - Because if we did the planet wouldn't be in the mess it is.

LollyWillowes said...

I totally agree with everything you have all said, and I have a son, he's 25 now and I wouldn't have put up with bad behaviour from him at all. It's an absolute disgrace the way people carry on, over many things, today. The shocking sense of entitlement and self absorption, which they pass on to their foul brats. If you bring them up badly you don't do them any favours because they will not have happy lives and they will be dislked, quite rightly so, for ghastly beahviour. I find it particulary irksome that so many parents are even selfish enough to complain that the child has the temerity to interfere with their lives, almost as if it is merely a toy or the latest must have, bored now, take it away.
Shriek..... must stop now, before I explode!

LollyWillowes said...

Apologies for the typos in previous, not a good typer at the best of times, when cross I become illiterate!

Anonymous said...

I had no idea that people felt like this (comments above and original post). This has been a real eye opener. My childless (or child free) friends have never said anything like this to me. I can completely understand their feelings if they do feel like this. But I hope that they are not secretly judging me for claiming benefits to support my seven children. I am very grateful for the support. I daren't confront them with this, as I think it would be very difficult to continue as friends if they felt forced to admit these feelings. I am shocked and had no idea. I keep my children very well behaved, I really don't want them to be more of a burden than they already are to society. It's just not right that they COULD be. After all, they can't go around thinking that someone has to pay for the horrible mistakes that they are. I seriously regret having so many kids (7 was a bit much but once you start with one, it's difficult to stop), and had I of known there was an alternative then I am sure I might have done that as well or instead. Good question: WHY IS IT SO ABHORRENT FOR A WOMAN TO NOT WANT KIDS? It's like there is this ingrained mentality that we are supposed to have kids. This was what happened to me anyway. Can I just say, speaking for myself and other women with children, that we are truly sorry and that we hope we can be forgiven and that I (many of us in fact) would not dream of expecting child free couples to finance our lavish lifestyles (some are lavish).

I can't really say anything else, except that I am sorry about all this and I almost feel like getting surgically sterilised now, and I honestly had no idea you felt this way. I do now. And I am truly sorry.

Sorry,

'Cathy'.

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