The view from my forties.

There has been a spate of birthdays amongst my friends recently most of whom are much younger than me.  Reading many comments along the lines of “OMG I’m nearly 30!” or “old!old!old!” has prompted me to ruminate, now I am well into my forties, on the difference between being in my teens/twenties and being where I am now.

Not the way to manage your pension....

1: Pensions and dull financial stuff.

The first thing that occurs to me is how radically different your worries are. I have suddenly become concerned about pensions and what the hell I am going to do about retirement. There has been a shocking shift, from now I grow closer to being 65 than 25. In a way this is prompted by positives; I have observed my parents and their friends. Some are having a great time: travelling, relaxing or starting second lives with new interests, hobbies and even businesses. But it does require both money and a roof over your head. I am perhaps just in time to do something about this but have become horrified by the situation of those in their 20’s who will not pay into a pension because they expect to buy property or have their own business. The simple fact is that most people do not end up being the person they expect to become during their 20’s.  The chances are that you won’t end up being where you anticipate being, perhaps better off or far worse. The ideal is to have property, savings and a pension. It is known in gambling as 'spreading your bets' but at least do something no matter how little, even £10.00 month is better than nothing. The fact is no one else is going to pay for you and if you are a woman and currently busy procreating you are worse off than most, at least a quarter of the women I know who took this route have been left with the children and little support. It is not 'rock and roll' and grim I know but it has to be said.

Ohhhh, bellinis !

2: Not stressing about the wrinkles.

Another peculiar thing is that you really do become less concerned with your looks, or rather let me rephrase that. You understand your looks. You also tend to realise after bitter experience that there is not a lot you can do to change them, that miracle products do not exist and that yellow glittery eye shadow will never suit you. Of course wrinkles appear and chins sag but it is a very slow and painless process and is happening to everyone else your age.  In my case I have quite average looks; age is hopefully giving my appearance a bit of character. Also a look at your younger self somewhat surprisingly shows that you didn’t look much better. Perhaps you might have looked a bit slimmer or a bit fresher but often, when compared to your modern self, also a bit ‘wrong’.  I think that this actually makes older women a hard sell for beauty manufacturers and it is why they try and demonise the ageing process and really have a right go at our self-confidence at the same time. Not that I believe in ageing gracefully particularly, just ageing the way you want.  However I can confirm that looking at women the same age as me and that I have grown up with those that tan and smoke do look distinctly worse for wear. Also you have to watch your teeth, I’ve managed to lose one already! So that’s it really on the beauty front, don’t smoke and don’t burn your skin. No shit Sherlock! On a positive note, so far, the boozy ladies look just as good as the tee-totallers and the slightly chubby seem to be ageing more slowly than their thin cousins. Mind you I still fume at how unphotogenic I am...

3: Not wanting to look 25 again even if you could. 

One thing I do regret about my fellow forty-somethings is that the media driven obsession with youth seems to have taken hold with a vengeance. I am very glad to see the back of the pale gabardine mac, grey- permed uniform that previously marked out the elderly but am taken aback to see flighty teenage fashion on 55 year olds.  I don’t want to look like my mum and she would rather have her teeth pulled than look like me. Then there are all these nips and tucks and breast enhancements and things. Each to their own, but think of all the holidays they could have bought and all the fun to be had with that money?  The fact is nobody cares what you look like as much as you and you probably care too much. Don’t get a boob job, go on holiday! The health information around now is so much better, the chances are todays 20 somethings will look better than today’s 40 somethings who were children in the skin burning e number scoffing 70’s anyway. That is if they don’t eat all the pies, I have just been to the seaside and I have never seen so many fat kids.

It is definitely worse than it was.

4: Sticking up for yourself and other women.

The thing that grates the most is that women despite decades of feminism are still the victims of ageism and sexism, particularly in the work place. Sad to say this can often be a case of ‘women doing it to themselves’ rather than ‘women doing it for themselves’.  There has been a huge concentration on maternity rights which although important does not necessarily help all of us. I hope women in their 20’s join a union, start being feminists again and stick up for themselves more otherwise to be frank I think they’ll be more stuffed when they reach their forties than my generation. It’s important they know that they want or don’t want babies as far as possible and plan for it. This ridiculous body clock crap was largely absent from my youth and the degree of social coercion applied by the media for us to become mothers has also increased shockingly in the last two decades. If you don’t want kids don’t have them. Sounds obvious but you would be surprised how many of my contemporaries have admitted they love their children but would not have children again if they could turn the clock back.  There is no mysterious body clock that can override women’s mental faculties, that is simple propaganda, we need to make decisions for ourselves. If a woman of my generation said in her twenties she was not a feminist she was either a religious nut, a twit or a bit thick and didn’t understand the word.  The reaction to hearing this would be similar to hearing a female friend say her hobby is ‘kitten stamping’: complete incomprehension.  But now I hear young women saying it all the time. Weird.

4:  Not infantilising men.

I have also learned, very painfully that men are just like women. Not a separate, dafter, species. Putting yourself mentally in a man’s shoes when dealing with them romantically or otherwise goes a very long way. This does also mean that you can also spot a dud more speedily.  I’m now too old to let men get away with anything and have grown out of this compartmentalisation of men. I blame Bridget Jones, Sex and the City and a whole slew of other stuff for establishing a ‘them’ and ‘us’ situation. Little gaggles of grown women behaving like sixth formers, just like the school disco all over again. This is also behind the selling of products using that genre of adverts where the poor man is incapable of understanding washing machines. Not only is this deeply sexist towards men but extremely patronising towards women.  Men don’t like being treated as a combination of potential sperm donor/mate for life and spare child which seems entirely reasonable to me. They aren’t very keen, on the whole on women with lots of cats, but I digress. And I have never been able to get to the bottom of that one….

Both sexes; equally weird.

I don’t really have many pearls of wisdom or any really, because to be frank I haven’t been at all wise. Nor do I think I provide any particularly sterling example to anyone. I’m too angry and too foolish. But I am older, and grateful for some things (especially that I didn’t have those tattoos when I was twenty, tattoos need to be treated with special care!) and am even looking forward to my fifties. I’m grateful to have made a few correct decisions; not to have children, not to do what was expected of me and to have bothered to study and travel later into my life than most. Domestic bliss and a mortgage was never going to be my route but is perfect for others. I just think we are all far too hard on ourselves and should develop the habit of stopping and having a long hard think (even if it is not cheering) every so often. Don't let the media and society at large brow beat you they have their own agendas. And then hit the cocktails, just being alive and well is a lucky state of existence don't you think?

Are you happier than you were in your twenties? Are you in your twenties and worried about getting older? Should I have had the bat tattoos? xxx