that wedding.....a tale of Royal wedding frocks.

On the whole I like weddings, but Royal weddings I am not so sure about. The Queen’s one seems charming in retrospect but that may be my vintage bias. There is something about the fact she felt the need even though quite unnecessary to save coupons towards it that appeals. No doubt there will be much speculation about whether William and Kate Middleton will display recession sensitivity. In one way I hope not, as long as the tax payer doesn’t foot the bill for a gazillion quid dress and larks dressed with gold leaf. The security and whatevers we are stuck with.

Already the moronic womens interest press are wittering on about Miss Middleton’s fashion credentials. She is a modern Sloane in her clothing inclinations and much more, any of the flamboyance that tends to be displayed by the lady art historian has been stamped out if it ever existed. I actually like her best so far in that see-through dress she modeled at St Andrews. No reason however why the woman should be forced to be a fashion ‘icon’, although becoming a walking clothes hanger for British designers might make her an effective if not particularly cheap advertisement for our designers and fashion retail industry.

That.. ahem..dress.

For the next year or so we will have to put up with rumblings about the bridal gown and I must admit that I get sucked into this, merely because I am very very nosy. Thus here in my own small way I contribute to the avalanche of speculative dross on the subject. 

I doubt very much that Kate Middleton will make the mistake that her late mother in law did with that ghastly dress. When Diana first appeared swamped in that huge creased horror of a  frock my late nan and I let out involuntary gasps of horror. She looked like a thin blonde stick that had been pushed into a three day old blancmange, with a skin. Charles, not the most attractive man actually looked quite smart by comparison. I preferred Sarah Ferguson’s Edwardian ensemble, very Downton Abbey and showed off what was at the time a rather good figure. Shame her hair wasn't put up.

Nighty as wedding dress

The worry is that Kate might go to the other extreme and opt for a minimal dress, the kind beloved by all nice middle class girls. Is there anything more boring than these structured tasteful shoulder less dresses accessorized with teensy little jewels, tiny silly flowers, a fake tan and tightly pulled back hair (a Croydon facelift with a bun). Actually there is; the floaty silk dresses that look like nighties.  The dictates of a cathedral wedding should put paid to bare shoulders and access to all those jewels may stop her from looking mimsy, get that tiara on girl! If conventional is chosen I’d rather see a sampling of gran- in- law’s look or even great umpteen times great gran’s look. Nothing wrong with a neat crinoline. I just hate that smug minimal look unless it is accompanied by a simple wedding. And it seldom is. I'd rather have Katie Price excess. 

Royal purple Vivien Westwood, sadly I cannot see it happening although La Middleton would look splendid in this..

Perhaps the original mad granny, Viv Westwood should make the dress. I’d love to see a corseted, sleeved, structured gown with silk. In fact even a high neckline, something a bit rococo or tudor would be nice. (although those tudor Catherines had mixed fortunes).  If we are going to endure all this majesterial nonsense I expect it to be a bit dramatic.  I'd make her carry a small bulldog puppy instead of a bouquet, wear a ruff and have helicopters embroidered on her train. Somehow or the other I suspect I am going to be disappointed and in truth Viv hardly has an unbesmirched rep when it comes to monarchy. In truth she would be a hypocrite if she did produce a royal wedding dress.

Now these are wonderful gowns...

Red legs in Soho’s last word on the subject is that if she was about to stomp down the aisle at Westminster Abbey she’d opt for John Galliano. Whilst he might be working for what is in truth an international corporation he is British and British trained. He also ticks the multi-cultural and hard working boxes. This is a man who understands dramatic grandeur and can create that sense of restrained flamboyance that the good wedding frock should rock. How nice would it be to see a bride resemble one of Beaton’s elegant debutantes with a touch of wicked lady and just a touch of prole. I rest my case. You might not very sensibly actually care, but do you agree? Minn xxx

Galliano, all you need to do is add some sleeves...or a bloody great cape.