Dr Johanna von Pinkelthingy and her friends at the Kodd Institute of Psychology have been working jolly hard on this. Answer the terribly serious questions and they will allow you to pigeonhole yourself into a fabulous vintage stereotype without having to go to the effort of buying Cosmopornolitan or attempting one of those Facebook 'what donut are you?' type things compiled by morons. The results are absolutely correct and will allow you to attach yourself to a wildly inaccurate stereotype within an entirely artificial concept of a scene. If they offend you, you obviously have anger issues and the Kodd institute will deal with this for you for a small fee, and yes, this will involve electrodes and your boobies. Simply answer the question below to obtain a free personality assasin...er assessment.
c) You want to pull a James Dean look- a- like.
d) It pisses everyone else off.
e) You loved your nan.
2 As far as you are concerned THE vintage sin is:
a) Masochism, only way to explain the willingness to tolerate sleeping with metal pins and plastic spiked tubes in your hair over night when you can just tuck it under a hat.
b) Envy, how exactly does that bitch get her hair that perfect every time? and how come when you copy her on You Tube your hair still comes out looking like a big poofy marshmallow that exploded?
c) Pride, look at my high speed lindy hop moves and weep inferior being.
d) Mixing era's, 30's hair and fifties skirts? get the lynch mob.
e) None, we are are pure, protected by our dainty aprons, pretty curls and walls of industrial duty cupcakes .
|Hellraiser's got nothing on us.|
3 Your vintage haunt is:
a) Totty van pot's Burlesque newcomer night in a dodgy pub in Stevenage. If she can jiggle her bits you can.
b) The Ford owners vintage jive jamboree so you sniff car fumes and pretend to be from Tennessee.
c) Perched under a tree at the Chap Olympics watching young men in linen being beaten to a pulp by Heidi Heil in the bicycle joust.
d) Baron de la Mercatore's (aka Keith from Epping) grand all the vintage periods in the world time travel Gypsy Hotel extravaganza, you are on the guest list.
e) Watching fire eaters at the Double R Club, followed by a sneaky kebab.
4 Your attitude to the opposite sex is.:
a) Some one to set off your frock, light your cigarettes and hold your coat, preferably with neatly manicured facial hair.
b) They have their uses, but you’d rather be knocking back tequilas with the girls.
c) Vintage shellac? Check. Marine tattoo? Check. Cocky grin? Check….
d) Some nice chap in tweed with a Pashley bicycle who mixes a mean raspberry Martini.
e) Any one who’ll buy you the Martini.
|The choice of paramour can be very revealing|
a) A hairspray drought. pincurl strike and curler melt down.
b) Crappy Top Shop versions of fities dresses on 13 year olds channelling Lily Allen's and Cheryl Cole's bastard devil child.
c) There-is-someone-wearing-the-same-dress-as-you-even-though-the-stall-holder-at-Spitalfields-market -swore-she'd-made-only-one.
d) You find yourself sharing a chalet at a weekender with a fruit looper who loves the fifties because they were sooo right then and there were no blacks, or gays or mooslims or homos and God put Elvis on this earth...
e) Clothes Moths.
6 Your vintage find is:
a) A leather skirt for a tenner in Rokit.
b) A pair of nipple clamps in Oxfam..you’ll fashion outré curtain hold backs with them.
c) A forties tea dress complete with shrapnel burns and ack ack skid marks.
d) A lovely big fur stole with the lovely ickle beady foxy eyes winking at you, second-hand fur isn't the same is it after all?
e) A fifties coffee table with a tableaux depicting fornicating poodles.
7 You have a:
a) Cat, in fact dozens of them. And they keep on pooing everywhere, eating your lucite handbag and puking on your sofa.
b) A blog, and a computer with a screensaver featuring a still from 'The Women' from which to run your on-line empire.
c) A tattoo of cherries, a Northern star and an anchor, even though you get seasick.
d) A boyfriend with horizontally challenged hair and a pair of yellow winklepickers.
e) An old conker who doubles as an Imaginary friend.
10 You would like the vintage scene to be:
There you go, having answered the sneery questions add up the questions (or alternatively go to the pub, I know what I'd do) and see what your very own vintage stereotype is! Please don't complain to Redlegs, the stereotypes aren't based on anyone, she is ill and her hair is flat.... which explains a lot. Comments are however welcome and please feel welcome to forward. xxx
Q1: A = 10 B = 1 C = 5 D = 8 E = 3
Q2: A = 1 B = 8 C = 5 D = 10 E = 3
Q3: A = 8 B = 5 C = 10 D = 1 E = 8
Q4: A = 10 B = 5 C = 1 D = 3 E = 8
Q5: A = 3 B = 10 C = 1 D = 5 E = 8
Q6: A = 1 B = 8 C = 3 D = 10 E = 5
Q7: A = 3 B = 10 C = 5 D = 1 E = 8
Q8: A = 3 B = 10 C = 8 D = 1 E = 5
Q9: A = 5 B = 1 C = 10 D = 3 E = 8
Q10: A = 5 B = 3 C = 10 D = 1 E = 8
81-100 The Vintage Maven
10-24 The Vintage Hipster
61-80 The Vintage Rebel. The vintage rebel has no choice. Fashionable clothes look like rubbish on her and her innate chippiness makes her deeply suspicious of the media and the fashion industry. After years of drifting in and out of various styles that may have included Goth, punk and cyber geek she has arrived at the point when she realizes that tattoos and piercings notwithstanding it is the fake leopard skin, red lippy and full shampoo and set that compliments her distinctive view of life and love of glamour. Often found in the company of the Maven the rebel is more approachable, jolly and drunken. She gave burlesque a twirl, got bored, dropped it, and now sings lewd songs at late night cabaret when not lolling around the French House at the weekends.
41-60 The Vintage Chick. For this one it is all about the music and having fun. Not so much dressing from an era as dressing for a life: of lindy-hopping, hot rodding mayhem. Her vintage period is the fifties and she trawls the rails for Swirl dresses and day dresses. Often to be seen flitting from place to place dragging a bag with a change of shoes and a studiedly sullen boyfriend behind her. Livens up any party with her exhibition-level dancing skills and spends the summer teaching festival goers how to jive. Natural habitat, any of several dozen fifties weekenders. Yearns for Americana but is as British as an Eccles cake.