2012: A vintage year or just a load of old jumble? Mystic Minn predicts.

The estimable Katie Chutzpah has suggested that 2012 will be better than 2011 if only because it sounds more stylish; ‘TwentyTwelve’ does have the ring of fashionable brand name. So far however I am distinctly underwhelmed. Certainly the Chinese dragon that is supposed to bring good fortune and wealth is not doing its job.  It feels like a good old fashioned English dragon so far, belching noxious fumes across my life, picking at its claws and deterring any knights in shining armour. Admittedly the Chinese year has not been here for long and dragons are infamously temperamental. But what of our own no more scientific traditional astrological system? What does this year hold in store for us? Well I have gone through several ‘respectable’ horoscope sites and one almanac and I present to you: 2012, A vintage year or just plain rubbish?

Aquarius.  Beware of moths in your tweed, bugs in your bed and squatters of indeterminate origin in your garden shed. When under pressure LSD may help. A good year for flamboyance, so now might be the time for Aquarian ladies to buy a big poufy 50’s skirt. Chaps may try multi-coloured brogues,but best not combine the wearing of these with the LSD.

Pisces. Neptune your ruler is in your house (hopefully not squatting in the shed).  You will be right all the time but no one listens. A good year for consuming huge amounts of cava or gin and crying into your duvet. Especially good for Piscean perverts. Beware of shoes and feet in general: travel barefoot on a mobility bike and don’t talk to chiropodists.

Aries. Gambling is a good activity this year and any winnings should be invested in gadgets. Whilst steam punk goggles and Theremins will endear you to your friends beware of buying a new Ipad and boring your companions to death. Something will fall on your head; possibly a bit of satellite.  Also ghosts find you appealing, creepy.

Taurus. This is a gaudy year. Brightly coloured cord trousers and luridly dyed lady locks are necessary. Acquire precious gems wherever possible. Ladies may become engaged, gents may engage in cat burglary. A good year to cross-dress.  Gets a bit dodgy in December, best stay indoors for the month.  Things tied up with knots are good so perhaps pass the time with a bit of light bondage?

Gemini.  Spiky things must be avoided along with all sharp objects. Please eat your dinner with a big plastic spoon lest you injure yourself or others. You need to be careful with money but horses will bring you luck so perhaps a small bet on the Derby? Sporting events are starred, so remember to enter the Chap Olympiad. Peas are dangerous, very dangerous. Oh and someone loves you, secretly. Best check you are not being followed home from the bus stop.

Cancer. This is the party year. You should chase the sun, wear bananas and do a Carmen Miranda impression. If male you should smoke cigars and choose loud Hawaiian shirts. House work is very unlucky so avoid it. Something will bite you, don’t bite back. In fact don’t get into any fights because although you seem friendly you are apparently a bit of a thug and quite frankly I'd like to keep you in the sunshine, in broad sunlight, where we can all see you.

Leo. This is potentially the year of delhi belly and problems ‘down below’ so avoid those kebabs. When not on the loo however you will be very attractive to others. Bed-hopping may of course lead to the problems ‘down below’ so you will develop natural wisdom, or wear iron knickers. Start playing an instrument, if nothing else it will distract you. Also don't go North, pointless advice really as it seems you'll spend most of the year 'south'.

Virgo. This year you may find yourself being a bit manic, please sit down, have a nice cup of tea and calm down. A good year for country pursuits, as long as this doesn’t include shooting everything that moves or joining a drinking excursion in Newquay. Painting would be a good thing to take up (this obviously includes painting your nails or the town red).  Food is a good idea, as opposed to it being a bad idea, not sure what kind of food, sausages?

Libra.  This is the year for a major overhaul of appearance and style. You should also spend the first part of the year saving. As a result you will be able to afford plastic surgery or a decent Savile Row suit. This is a good year for body modification and tattoos.  Do not join any Cults, even if they offer you a free pen and a fried breakfast.

Scorpio. This is a year with a distinct risk of community service so don’t commit any crimes until 2013. You will have a lot of fun with a cad or scarlet woman or both depending on your proclivities. Do not under any circumstances get engaged (particularly watch out for Taureans) or sit under trees in storms although if you have the choice I'd plump for the latter.  Black and white things bring you luck (badgers? Zebras? Zebra crossings?).

Sagittarius.  A year of education and the perfect time to pick up a new skill.  All things furry and hairy are good: might I suggest taxidermy? Or an affair with a very hairy man or woman? You could grow a moustache. A hat brings you luck. Fish are dangerous. As are shoes (again). So a hairy person in a hat with no shoes and no kippers. I suspect you'll need to go to Hoxton.

Capricorn. Oh dear. This is a year for giving up bad habits. Particularly smoking, drinking, overeating and ‘habitual bad life choices’.  On the other hand you have to have these problems to give them up so you need to start smoking, drinking and screaming at barmen in Soho post-haste. It is also a very healthy year, which just goes to show that fags, tequila and a few nights in a cell have their own bracing qualities.

Obviously these predictions are all nonsensical but they have all been culled from actual predictions before being adapted (ie small spherical objects = peas). Should any of this come to pass it will be your own fault and nothing to do with Mystic Minn or Redlegsinsoho. Having said that if you want to bung me fifty quid for your own personal tailored nonsense I am quite happy to help out, especially as I want to buy a new dress. I can cast the prunes and read tea leaves too. I also have a crystal ballcock. xxx