Faketasheophobia!

I am starting this with a warning *rant alert* that I may be about to be unkind to a minority. I am about to be elitist, non-inclusive and down right prejudiced but I am afraid I just cannot help myself. It is just that I hate fake moustaches.

Most ladies cannot grow moustaches so fakery is unavoidable.

There is generally a smattering of them at Chap magazine events. Fortunately a minority. The splendid in many ways Night of a Thousand Waistcoats Chap Anarcho Ball last weekend again saw an outbreak of this irritant. It is not that I have a problem with artifice. For example uniforms. An army brat myself I don't object to people wearing reproduction army uniforms, it is a form of homage, looks rather smart and most young chaps after all have not had the opportunity to fight in the Napoleonic wars or fly Spitfires.  And one cannot assume that the chap in uniform would not volunteer should the need arise. Medals I would object to but even then if they belonged to grandad, it is good they get an airing and their stories get told.    The small number of nylon faux flapper costumes that always appear are kind of cute.  However the line has to be drawn somewhere and I am drawing it above the upper lip, in an unnatural shade of brown.

The offending articles.

I loathe that habit of wearing fake moustaches. I mean, FFS, it is not as if they are difficult to grow. All men can produce one of their own, they don't cost any money and there is, in this writer's opinion few things finer on a gent than some some well tended facial topiary. But no. A small minority think that if they sling on an ill fitting tweed jacket, wear a hat, glue a gruesome bit of scratchy nylon on their phyzzogs and hurl themselves around yelling 'I say', 'What ho!' and 'Old Chap' they are the bees knees. It is very undergraduate, really annoying, deeply unattractive and irritates the bejesus out of me.  If they are interested enough to fork out for a ticket they can surely avoid a shave for a fortnight. They irritate me more than rahs, although I suspect a bit of crossover there.

Puppies look perfectly charming with moustaches.

To qualify this, I don't mind completely insane fakery such as the mad huge black fake beard a chap wore last year. It was inconvenient, original and made him look quite insane: all commendable. Or the Olympiad Champion, a Victorian strong man whom I know in his day job is not shy of facial hair.  But the popular variety seems to be the cheap joke shop type, not even the thespian variety which at least display a little effort.  But what is behind this reluctance to grow a moustache? Is it the fear of being individual, thought eccentric or facing ridicule? The ability to face all of these things is admirable, but if an individual is worried, nervous or sadly does not have the features to suit a tache he needn't have one.  And he needn't have a fake bloody moustache... there are other options such as side burns after all. Additionally as 'Movember' has just finished the grower of a temporary face embellishment can blame it on philanthropic motivations, in fact the cad could go just go around demanding 'donations' and never have to pay for a drink all night.

The other, not entirely generous element to my disdain for the counterfeit moustache is that it reeks of fancy dress, stag night high jinks and rag collections.  At a party full of devoted dandys, chaps, wastrels and stylish flotsam why would you do that? Because you are a tosser thats why.  The only fake moustache that looked good was one that was removed and placed by someone on the delicious Jenni's back. The original owner obviously thought better of his faux pas and had started to allow his inner bounder to escape!  What about you? Do you share my urge to pull fake moustaches off or am I being harsh! Because at Chap events I really hate 'em! I'm thinking of putting on a cape and a mask and becoming the Tache Avenger!